5 June 2015

argurotoxos: Emilie Autumn sitting on the floor (Emilie - floor | by betterthanlegos)
My mom had her gall bladder removed this morning. The doctors hope it will, if not end, at least lessen her inconsistent side pain and nausea problems. She's also had a lot of trouble sleeping recently.

My dad's had more trouble with high blood pressure and low energy. His bike is also broken, which is one of his main sources of exercise and, I think, a sense of fun and accomplishment.

Because of all this, I've had lots of worries and negative thoughts recently. I don't have any siblings, or a significant other, or children, or pets, so after my parents, it's just me, alone. Of the three local friends I have, one has been super busy, the second has always been more of a talker than a listener, and things have been uncomfortable and awkward with the third (also he's been super busy), so I don't feel I have as much support as I did, say, a year ago. How can people and situations change so much? That thought has been on my mind a lot. Even to take a more mundane example: I used to read pretty much just Loki/Thor fanfic for years. Now that I've found Male!Hawke/Fenris, it's really hard to go back to Loki/Thor. (The Thor fandom was one of the largest I've ever been in, so now I'm trying to adjust to the pace of a more moderate fandom.) How does something that piqued my enthusiasm and brought me joy a year ago not do that anymore?

On one hand, I enjoy having leisure time and being alone -- it's when I'm often at my more creative or introspective. On the other, I also have a tendency to become paranoid or raise my shields.

At some point, I really need to find a different job. Something with more likelihood of actually being able to support myself with. The biggest things keeping me at my current job are the health benefits, short distance, and it's easier and less scary to stay where you are than to make a big change. I haven't heard back from any of the state civil service positions I've applied to lately.

I attended the end-of-year performance for the belly dance group I studied with last fall. The performance was two hours long; most of the classes in the recital were various ballet levels, though there were also some hip-hop and Irish dance groups, and one group that performed a song from Newsies. The belly dance group was the second to last to perform, and I was surprised (and disappointed) how short their piece was. I told my teacher in email after that I didn't plan to come back soon (it's farther away and later in the evening than my current studio, and I want to focus on tribal style) and she took it much better than I expected.

We had another woman join our Wednesday American Tribal Style (ATS) belly dance class, so now there's four of us coming fairly consistently. I have a lot of feelings about ATS, how connected we are to our other dancers, and it's definitely where my focus lies. Our teacher said we might be able to extend classes to 2 hours during the summer. I tried flamenco for the first time last week at the same studio. I've never danced in high heels before - they have flamenco shoes for beginning students to borrow - but the first class at least wasn't as difficult as I expected. If I can, I'd like to continue with it, but I'm not as dedicated to it as ATS.

Our family reunion is the last week of July. I'm hoping it won't be too much of a logistical nightmare or stressful, because I can see it being both. One of my aunts is unofficially in charge of it and wants to rotate dinner cooking -- for 25 people. I've never cooked for more than four people in my life. In theory, we're having a talent show Monday night, which is the only evening my aunt who lives in the area is free. Because my grandparents' house isn't that large, all of us except one family are renting separate houses. Our rental house is only one road over from my grandparents', but we have to bring our own sheets, towels, food, etc., plus all our other packing. (My dad is an extremely light packer, while my mom is a very heavy one and I'm somewhere in the middle, although I'll have one bag just for belly dance.)

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argurotoxos: Midnighter holding balloons, waiting for his husband (Default)
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